Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
The summer after I graduated, me and Kyle started going out. Then he broke up with me after I left for college. I was sad so naturally, I packed up all my dormmates and met some old friends at the lake and got completely trashed. It was actually a good party come to think if it. But a pretty messed up night for most of us. This guy I had dated off and on for pretty much my whole life was there shoving drinks in my face. And I was downing them like a pro. I got out of hand and was tossed into the tent to pass out. I’m talking blacked the hell out. I don’t exactly know how many minutes passed before he came into the tent but I was…. date raped?? for lack of a better word. All I remember are short little flashes of him flopping me around like a ragdoll. Well “B” left right after he was done I think and at some point in the middle of the night Kyle came to the campsite looking for me. I don’t know if someone called him or what. But some how he knew what happened but he thought that I was being a whore and didn’t ask what actually happened. He was just there when I finally woke up. We made up that next night.
He went a few months holding it in and finally brought it up and I told him the truth about what happened but instead of taking it up with B, he started to resent me. One day, I called him all day and he never answered so I went to his house and his car was there. I was honestly worried something had happened to him. So I went to his bedroom window and knocked. He never answered. I went to his truck and wrote a note on a paper towel and left it on his seat. (we had keys to each others cars) There was a wilted magnolia in the cup holder but I never thought anything of it and I left for work. When I got off I found the necklace I gave him and my class ring in the seat. Then the next morning, I was waiting for him when he got off and we met at a boat ramp to talk. That’s when he told me that the whole time I sat outside his window crying because I thought something was wrong, he was in the bed with some piece of trash he didn’t even know from Kentucky. He had took her to places that I liked go and gave her a magnolia which is my favorite flower. I felt my heart shatter. He said he did it to get back at me and hurt me like I hurt him. That was on a Monday and that Thursday he called me to forgive him and all this mess and in the end I had to help him clean the period stain and spooge off his bedsheets. I took him back (obviously) but I’ve never been able to forgive him for it. I say that I have and I know he is sorry for it but I still can’t let go of the hatred and hurt that it caused. It’s been four years and I married him anyway and had his baby but things haven’t been the same with us since then. I know it’s my fault for not forgiving him and I pray that one day I will so that we can be the way that we used to again. But I just can’t do it. I’ve become this bitter nasty person and isolated myself from everything like a wounded animal still licking my wounds. I’m not the person I used to be. This was really hard for me to write. Very few people know this about me, mostly because I’ve pushed everyone away. I might have been a little long winded but I think I got things off my chest and answered a question that needed to be asked. Sorry for the yuckiness. The next question, I hope is a happier one.